Never My Love
by Matthew White
Summary: This story takes place during Season Ten, shortly after the episode The Four Percent Solution and my original story Turning Points. On New Year's Eve, Harm and Mac find some startling revelations about others, and about each other.


**Never My Love**

**A JAG Story**

Written by Matthew R. White

© November 17, 2013

Based on the Characters and series created by Donald P. Bellisario

...

**Historian's Note:** This story takes place during Season Ten, shortly after the episode _The Four Percent Solution_ and my original story _Turning Points._

_..._

**Author's Note:** This story idea came to me while working on my _Distant Shores_ trilogy. The idea wouldn't go away until I wrote it so here it is. The writers of JAG missed a golden opportunity to bring the Harm/Mac storyline to a more satisfying conclusion than we were given by not building on the events depicted in the episode _The Four Percent Solution_. This story explores the beginnings of how such a relationship might have gone. I'm writing under the premise that Harm and Mac did, in fact, begin to explore their feelings after the events in the above mentioned episode. The idea of Mac losing her internal clock during intimacy belongs to Leigh (1 Ninja Girl), and has been used with permission. I added a little twist of my own.

...

**19:25 ZULU**

**December 30, 2004**

**Bethesda Naval Hospital, Bethesda MD**

Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie looked into the mirror in the ladies room just down the hall from her therapist's office. The airbag bruises on her face had all but faded away along with the stiffness she had endured after the car she had been driving collided with a tree on the windy country road. Not for the first time, she was thankful just to be alive, especially after seeing the wreckage of the Crown Vic a few days later.

Her close brush with death had caused her to reevaluate some things in her life, most importantly, her relationship with a certain naval aviator turned lawyer, her closest and dearest friend, Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. _No,_ she thought to herself, _friend doesn't really cut it anymore._ But, then again, neither did the term lovers. _At least not yet, _she thought.

Prior to her assignment in Paraguay, Mac had felt that she and Harm had been moving closer to being something more significant than friends, but the events and aftermath had put a rift between them which had taken nearly a year to overcome. _Not to mention my relationship with Webb; Sarah MacKenzie, what the hell were you thinking?_

It had taken her a while to realize that Harm had been trying to tell her something while they were still down there. Truth be told, he had been trying to tell her for much longer than that but miscommunication, coupled with bad timing, seemed to conspire to keep them apart. Harm had finally made his feelings known to her at the Admiral's retirement party, but she was still grieving over Webb. Finding out that Clay had faked his death and used her as part of the ruse only served to complicate matters further.

Deciding she couldn't live with the lies and deception, Sarah broke off the relationship with Webb. If anything, being with Webb had made her realize what she didn't want. When Harm tried to comfort her while they sat on the beach, she told him she needed time to figure things out, and assuming she wanted time alone, Harm walked away and gave her space. To this day, Sarah wondered if she should have just gone after him.

Following the accident, Mac spent Christmas weekend with Harm which had the positive effect of rekindling the feelings of trust she once had for him. Other feelings had been rekindled as well, but she had made herself a promise that she was not going to rush into an intimate physical relationship with him until she knew where her heart was at. This was a mistake she had made one too many times in the past and she was hell bent and determined not to do it again. She owed it to both of them.

Sarah walked out of the ladies room and continued down the hall until she reached the office at the end. Mac had been seeing Commander McCool since October, since she had learned about her almost nonexistent chances of conceiving a child.

Gently, she tapped on the door.

"Come in."

Mac opened the door and made her way into Victoria McCool's well appointed office.

"Hello Vicky," Mac said in greeting.

McCool must have noticed the slight bruising on her face, "Mac! What happened to you?"

"I'm fine, Vicky. I got into an auto accident on Christmas Eve," Mac offered.

"Are you all right?"

"Much better than I should be," Mac replied.

"Please, sit," replied McCool. "Tell me what's going on."

Mac started at the beginning, telling Vicky about how her cynical mood had been the root cause of the accident, about the flashbacks of her session in October, and how Harm had rushed to the hospital as soon as he had heard about the accident.

"He didn't even go to the wall this year," Mac offered.

"The wall?"

"Harm's father was shot down over North Vietnam on Christmas Eve in 1969. Every year, at least since I've known him, Harm visits the Vietnam Memorial on Christmas Eve to pay his respect. He's never missed doing it, until this year."

"It sounds to me like something, or should I say, someone was of more concern to him," said Vicky.

Sarah had reached the same conclusion and while it pained her to know he had missed something so dear to him, her heart was warmed by that fact that he was willing to forgo his yearly ritual. His sacrifice made her feel very special and loved, something she wasn't used to.

"I know," Sarah replied. "It left me with mixed feelings."

"How so?"

"I felt sorry for Harm," Mac replied. "Going to the wall every year is very important to him, but when he gave it up so quickly just to stay over with me…it really tugged at my heartstrings"

Sarah paused to collect her thoughts, "Harm stayed with me this weekend, it was the first Christmas we have spent alone, I mean, just with each other."

"Well, you wanted to draw him closer, didn't you?" Vicky asked.

"Yeah, I did…I mean…I thought he had moved on…but in the hospital he told me he was still waiting for me. All these years, I've been waiting for him to tell me he wanted to be part of my life, and now that the moment is here…I'm…"

"You're what," Vicky prodded.

Mac loathed what she was thinking, something no self respecting Marine would ever admit, but there was no other words to describe what she was feeling.

"I'm afraid, no, more like terrified," she finally admitted.

"It's understandable, I know that was hard for you to acknowledge but being able to admit our fears is the first step to overcoming them," Vicky said. "Matters of the heart can be much more daunting than we know."

_Don't I know it,_ thought Mac.

"So Mac, how would you describe the relationship between you and Harm right now?"

"If you had asked me that question a week ago, I would have called us just friends. This weekend, I started feeling things. I felt like I was in love with him."

"What about now, right this moment? What are you feeling?"

"Confused?" Mac offered.

"Why?"

Mac leaned back in the chair and tried to put her feelings into words.

"Harm asked me to a formal event being held at Annapolis on New Year's Eve. Our former CO, Admiral Chegwidden, is supposed to be attending with his daughter, Harriet and Bud are going, Sturgis and Varese will be there, General Cresswell and his wife, as well as a few others from the office. This isn't the kind of event you would normally take a friend to."

"Are you worried that someone might see the two of you together and draw the wrong conclusion?"

"A couple of years ago, before I was involved with John, I wouldn't be concerned at all. Harm and I have been to social events like this before. It's just that…right now I…I'm afraid everyone will see right through me."

"Do you want to go to this event with him?"

"Yes, I do…but…I don't know what I'm going to tell people when they ask about us…about our relationship?"

"Is that likely to happen?" asked Vicky.

"It might…I've always enjoyed dancing with Harm and right now, I feel very close to him…closer than I have in years…if we get caught up in a tender moment people are liable to ask questions which I'm not ready to answer."

"You don't have to tell them anything before you're ready."

"Maybe I should just admit that we are seeing each other."

"Technically that's what it is, isn't it?"

Sarah found herself smiling, "You've been spending too much counseling attorneys," she quipped. "You're starting to sound like one."

"Attorneys and therapists, they are the same breed of animal when you think about it. We both are looking for the truth," Vicky replied.

"Touché," Mac replied.

"Back to the matter at hand, you and Harm have been out with each other before, haven't you?"

"We have, but we've never called it a date before," Sarah offered. "And we're only admitting it's a date to ourselves."

"There is nothing wrong with that," said Vicky. "Mac, are you still interested in exploring a relationship with Harm? He is, after all, the person you've been waiting for, isn't he?"

"Yeah, he is," Mac replied. "And yes, I want to."

"And have you discussed this with Harm?"

"Harm is being a complete gentleman about all this, this weekend, I told him how confused I am, but in almost the same sentence I asked him not to give up on me," Mac said. "I'm sending him mixed signal and quite frankly, I don't know why he puts up with me."

"I think the reason for that is obvious," said Vicky.

"Is it?"

Sarah could feel the battle being waged inside; her head was telling her to analyze all the possibilities while her heart was ready to throw caution to the wind.

"Sarah, the state of the relationship between you and Harm is just that, between the two of you. It isn't necessary for either of you to explain anything more than you already have, unless and until you are ready to do so. If you really want to go to this event with Harm, you should go. Don't worry about what anyone else might think. You and Harm have been on a journey together and, from what I can see, you are about to enter what could be a time which you both will cherish later on. Enjoy these moments with each other, they only come around once."

Mac remembered the day, back in October, when she looked out the window and realized what a beautiful day it had been. _"Welcome to the moment,_ Vicky had said to her.

"I'm going to the New Year's Ball with Harm, as his date," Mac declared. "We've both put our lives on hold for far too long. It's high time for us to do something about it."

...

**17:59 EST**

**New Year's Eve, 2004**

**Mac's Apartment, Georgetown**

Harm stepped off the elevator, still fighting a serious case of butterflies in the stomach which is something he hadn't felt since high school. With flowers in one hand and a small flat box in the other, he made his way to Mac's apartment. _My first real date with Sarah,_ he thought. _I've known this woman for years, why am I so nervous?_ He waited for his watch to chime the hour before knocking on her door. Harm so wanted this evening to be perfect that he timed his arrival to allow him twenty minutes before she expected him. Tonight he was going to arrive precisely on time.

Since the New Year's Ball was a military sponsored event, at least one of them was required to be in uniform. Mac knew that Harm would be wearing his mess dress so she had told him yesterday she would be wearing an evening gown for the event. Harm had seen her in formal attire before but when she opened the door to greet him, he found his breath had been taken away.

Mac looked absolutely stunning. Her long black gown sported an intricate pattern and a plunging v shaped neck which stopped just short of her bust line, making for a sexy, yet sophisticated look. Exposed shoulders and an open back completed the outfit. Mac had her hair arranged in a fancy up dew, and Harm was sure she must have spent most of the afternoon at the hairdresser.

It took him a few seconds to find his voice again, "Mac…Sarah…you look positively radiant."

It might have been his imagination, but she too, seemed lost for words. "You don't look so bad yourself, flyboy," she managed, an attempt to hide behind humor. "You're right on time. Please, come in."

Harm crossed the threshold into her apartment and set the small flat box on the table. He turned to her with the flowers.

"For me?" she asked coyly. "Harm, you didn't have to…"

"I wanted to," he replied, as he affixed the corsage to her wrist, noting that she looked as nervous as he was.

"Relax, Mac," he said, as much for himself as for her. "We've done this before."

"Yeah, I know, but, this is different…not in a bad way…it's just…"

"I know," Harm offered. "Hey…I'm a little nervous too."

"I'll just grab my wrap and we can go…"

"Before you do that," Harm said, reaching to pick up the box. "I have something for you."

He handed the box to her and Mac slowly opened the case. Her eyes lit up as she exclaimed, "Harm, they're beautiful. Where did you get these?"

Inside the flat case was a string of pearls. As she looked at them, Mac was shaking her head in disbelief. "I hope you didn't buy these for me…"

"They belonged to my grandmother," he remarked. "My grandfather had given them to her soon after they started dating. When Gramps was killed in the Battle of Midway, Grams stored them away until Dad started dating Mom."

"Harm, this is a family heirloom, I can't accept this…"

"Let me finish the story," he interjected. "After Dad went MIA, Mom put them aside planning to give them to me, one day, when I met the right woman. When Mom found out that you had gone to Russia with me to find Dad, she sent these to me to give to you."

"She told you that?"

Harm nodded his head, "Mom likes you, she always has and I've come to regret not giving this to you sooner…and…not telling you how important you are to me…"

Harm had to pause to compose himself as his emotions were just below the surface now.

"Sarah, I've never met anyone like you before…and I've almost lost you…in more times and more ways than I care to recall…I want you to have this…"

She placed a finger to his lips cutting off the rest of what he would have said.

"This is…a bit overwhelming," she said, as her eyes glistened with moisture. "Let me think about it, okay?"

"Sure," he replied, slightly deflated.

"Would it make you happy if I wear these tonight?"

"It would, Sarah."

Harm took the set of pearls and placed them around her neck so that one loop traced her neckline and the second dipped into her décolleté area. When he stepped back to look at her, his megawatt smile caused her to blush.

"Well," she asked.

"Beautiful, Sarah," he replied. "They were made for you."

She seemed to deepen in her embarrassment as an awkward silence overcame them. "I'll just grab my wrap," she said, heading to her bedroom breaking the mood. A few seconds later she returned and Harm took the article and placed it over her shoulders. She grabbed her clutch and they proceeded to leave.

...

**20:30 EST**

**New Year's Eve 2004**

**United States Naval Academy, Annapolis MD**

On the way to the Ball, Mac had been able to regain most of her composure as they kept the conversation light by talking shop. Most of the time the on goings at JAG were safe subjects for them, unless they ended up being on opposite sides of an issue which was something Mac knew they would both need to work on should they deepen their relationship.

As they neared their destination the conversation had fallen into another uneasy silence. Mac turned to watch him as he effortlessly weaved towards the exit they needed to take. _God he looks so damn good in that uniform,_ she thought. It was then that she realized the reason for her unease. Being on a real date with him had changed her perspective. Embracing the moment, she reached out and touched his hand.

He responded by taking her hand in his strong, yet gentle grip. Connecting with him in this manner brought a sensation of calm to her senses.

"Are you okay, Sarah?" he asked after a while.

"Better," she replied. "I guess I'm just seeing you in a different light tonight."

"Is this a good thing?" he asked. His voice was light, but she sensed a tad of concern masked inside. Squeezing his hand in reassurance, she replied, "Definitively a good thing."

"We should do this more often," he added.

His comment brought her back to the time they went undercover for a mission in the Sudanese Embassy, another time they had saved each other's six. They were dressed to the nines for the mission, and when it was over they had both agreed that they should get out as a couple more often.

"Why didn't we, Harm?" she asked suddenly. "After the mission at the Sudanese Embassy, we were supposed to go out together."

"I remember," he replied, a wistful tone in his voice. "I don't know why we didn't. I guess neither of us brought it up again."

"Do you ever wonder how our lives would have gone if we had…you know…became a couple back then?"

"Sometimes," he admitted. "Maybe it is just as well nothing did happen, Mac."

"Why?" she asked, unable to mask the twinge of hurt in her voice.

Rabb pulled into the parking spot and took both her hands before he gently answered. "Mac, this all happened while your first husband was still alive. If you and I had got together, we would have both been in trouble."

"I forgot about that," she said absently. "Harm, you didn't know. The Navy wouldn't have held you responsible…"

"But the Marine Corps would have punished you, Sarah," Harm replied. "Would you have though to file for divorce before we…well…you know?"

"I don't know…to be honest, I never thought much about my marriage to Chris after I left him. Hell, I was so drunk when it happened that I don't even remember the ceremony. It seemed like it was a lifetime ago and it happened to someone else."

"Which leads to my point, Sarah, that mistake probably would have ended your career, and I would have felt responsible for…"

"Oh, no you don't, flyboy," she said in a stern, yet kind voice. "That one would have been all on me."

Sarah looked out towards the banquet hall while composing her thoughts.

"Do you remember when I came to see you the night you were entertaining Bobbi Latham?"

"Yeah, Mac, I do," replied Harm. "You needed to speak to me alone and, as I remember, you tried to talk to me the next day, but Tiner could be persistent at times…"

"That's my fault, Harm. You were making time for me and I pushed you away, again. I was going to tell you everything, about Chris, about John, and that I was still married and I needed help fixing that. That night, everything blew up in my face. Did I ever thank you for standing by me?"

"Yeah, you did, Mac. But you had me going for a while."

"You and everyone else," she offered. "I thought you were going to slug Mic in the courtroom."

"I almost did in the Admiral's office."

"You don't know this, but he got his the day I took the stand, in the form of a good slap to the face. He could have filed charges against me for striking a fellow officer."

"You slapped him?"

"Yeah, it felt good too. At least it did at the time…" she said, her voice trailing off.

She looked at his face and noticed that he was struggling with something. "What?" she asked, trying to coax whatever was just below the surface.

"Sarah, I don't think I ever told you that I was sorry things didn't work out between you and Mic. It just about killed me to see you in so much pain, especially knowing I was partially responsible," he offered. His voice was strained to the point of cracking and Mac knew he was at the verge of tears. "I don't ever want to see you hurt like that again."

"Harm," she replied, still holding hands with him and squeezing them in a show of affection. "If anyone is to blame it's me, I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing by marrying him, but he made his choice before I had a chance to make mine. You don't share any blame for what happened."

"Would you have gone through with the wedding?"

"No, not now, but I've had four years to think about it. I don't know what I would have done back then. I didn't realize until my engagement party that I was marrying the wrong man."

"So it _is_ my fault," said Harm. "I asked too many questions which caused you to second guess yourself."

"Harm, if Mic had been the right man, nothing you could have said would have made any difference. What was it you told me, better to find out now, than six months into the marriage. As hard as that was to accept, you were right. The idea of collecting ex-husbands doesn't appeal to me," she said, attempting to lighten the mood.

"You don't have any other husband's hiding in your past that I should know about, do you," he asked, flashing his megawatt smile. Mac could tell he was teasing her back and she whacked him in the arm.

"You're such a brat," she added.

...

Conversation at dinner had set both of them at ease with Bud and Harriet going on about the expected arrival of their twins. Sturgis and Varese were at the same table and despite the rift between Sturgis and Harm; they were able to keep the conversation light and cordial. Most of the credit went to Varese as she brought out the best the stuffed shirted submariner, at least in Harm's opinion.

Throughout dinner, Harm found himself watching Mac interacting with everyone else as her smile and laughter filled his heart. It had been a long time since he had seen her so happy and this warmed his very soul.

One table over, General Cresswell and his wife sat with Admiral Chegwidden and his daughter Francesca. Harm hoped he would be able to speak with the Admiral privately at some point. With the SECNAV and his wife in attendance, Harm was certain that the Admiral's time would be monopolized.

"Penny for your thoughts?" asked Mac, drawing his attention back to her.

"I'd like to get a chance to chat with the Admiral," said Harm. "But it looks like Sheffield is going to bend his ear all night."

"The Admiral will make the rounds, I'm sure," said Mac. "Anything you want me to tell him?"

"What makes you think you'll have any more luck than I do?"

"Harm," Mac said, enjoying the tête-à-tête. "I doubt very seriously that the Admiral is going to ask you to dance."

"I concede your point, counselor," he replied. He leaned in closer to her, "But he may have to cut in."

"Are you planning on dancing the night away with me, like you promised?"

"I haven't broken a promise yet."

...

True to his word, after dinner and dessert had been severed, Harm had kept her on the dance floor throughout most of the evening, holding her much closer than he had in the past. This seemed to keep the potential suitors at bay which was just fine with her as she really only wanted to dance with Harm.

Sarah kept her head resting on his shoulder while they danced, knowing she would succumb to the moment if she allowed herself to look at him. _I'll save that for midnight,_ she reasoned.

Late in the evening, just as another melody was about to begin, she heard the Admiral's voice, "Mind if I cut in, Commander?"

"Certainly, Admiral," Harm replied. He released her and was about to return to the table when she saw Francesca moving to intercept him.

"My daughter will keep him out of trouble," the Admiral offered.

"Harm's a big boy, Admiral," she replied, wondering just how transparent she appeared to him. Her former CO was a very perceptive man and it would be next to impossible to pull the wool over his eyes.

"Mac, you look absolutely stunning this evening," Chegwidden said.

"Why thank you, Admiral, if I may return the compliment, you look quite dashing yourself."

"So, how are things at JAG?"

"It's different, sir. Don't misunderstand me, General Cresswell is a good leader, but, well, we all miss you, Admiral."

"I understand," he replied. "I don't miss the paperwork at all, but I do miss the people."

...

Nearby, Harm found himself in a somewhat awkward position. Years ago, he had found the Admiral's daughter to be quite attractive and had, at one point, considered pursuing her. The two reasons he didn't were dancing a few couples over and Harm was hoping Mac wouldn't get the wrong idea.

"So, how long have you been in love with her, Harm," Francesca asked out of the blue.

"I…I…who do you mean?"

"Colonel MacKenzie," she clarified. "The way you look at her, the way you were dancing with her. Anyone who has eyes can see how you feel about her."

"Well, Francesca, it's complicated. Mac and I are very close friends and she's been through a lot this year."

"And you have been by her side. This sounds like a match made in heaven."

"I suppose, if you are a romantic," he quipped.

"And you are not a romantic, Harmon Rabb?" she asked. "Why do I find that so hard to believe?"

Harm quickly racked his brain for a different subject, something, anything but this.

"Your father told us at his retirement party he was going to take you to every baseball stadium in the country."

"You're changing the subject, Commander," she teased. "She is very important to you, isn't she?"

Seeing the woman of his dreams dancing with his former CO, Rabb lost himself in the moment and said, "Sarah is the most important person in my life."

"You should make sure she knows that," Francesca said. Thankfully, she changed the topic of discussion to her travels with her father.

...

"So you came tonight with your daughter. It must be nice to finally get to spend time with her," Mac said.

"It certainly is," the Admiral replied. "Actually, I planned on being here tonight with her mother, but Marcella's flight got canceled and she won't be arriving until next week. My daughter was kind enough to endure this stuffed shirt event so her old man wouldn't have to attend alone."

Mac found herself in a state of shock. In all the years she had known him, Chegwidden had very seldom volunteered information about his personal life, and even then, only when he was forced to.

"I'm sorry, sir, you were going to attend with your ex-wife?"

"I was. Life can be strange, wouldn't you agree?"

_That's an understatement,_ Mac thought. "I guess it is at that."

"As I'm sure you're aware, Marcella's husband was killed when Harm and I went to the cottage to free Francesca six years ago. I had always assumed she would remarry eventually, but when I visited her after accompanying Francesca home this fall, I found that she was still unencumbered. We started talking about all that had gone wrong in our lives and since then we've been spending a lot of time together."

"If I may ask," Mac began, "is there any chance the two of you will remarry?"

"Don't have an answer to that, yet," replied Chegwidden. "But if I do, you and the Commander will certainly get an invitation."

"I appreciate that, Admiral, and I know Harm will also."

"If _I_ may ask," the Admiral counted with a question of his own. "Is there something you would like to share with me?"

Mac froze for a moment, not knowing how to deal with this side of her former CO, a side he had, for the most part, kept hidden from everyone. _This man is like a father to me. But do I really want to share this with him?_

"It's complicated," she offered, stalling for time. "Christmas Eve, I was returning to HQ when the car I was driving skidded off the road and collided with a tree. The vehicle was totaled and I don't know how I survived with only minor injuries."

"Mac, I'm sorry," replied the Admiral. "I glad to see you are okay."

"The EMTs found Harm's number in my PDA and he rushed to the hospital to make sure I was all right. He missed going to the Wall this year because of me."

"Well, I'd have to say that I agree with his choice."

"We have been spending quite a bit of time together, but, I don't think he knows what he's getting himself into," she remarked.

"You just told me, the Commander is a big boy and I happen to agree. I also think he knows exactly what he's in for, and I mean as a compliment to you."

Sarah felt herself turn warm and she knew she was blushing wildly. She noticed Harm walk Francesca back to her table and begin a conversation with the General and his wife.

"Does this mean that the two of you have finally admitted how you feel about each other?" he asked.

His question caught her off guard, "You knew?" she blurted out, instead of using her prepared line. Her surprise was more than evident in her voice.

"Mac, you'd have to be blind and deaf not to have noticed," Chegwidden replied. "If I may be so bold to say; you look happy tonight, happier than I ever remember seeing you."

"Harm and I are still trying to sort things out," she allowed herself to tell him. "We haven't told anyone and we still don't know where we are at with all of this.

"Don't tell me Rabb is dragging his feet again…"

"No, Admiral, it's not him this time, it's me," Sarah said. "I've made some very poor choices about the men I've allowed into my life. I don't want to do that anymore. Look what happened with Mic. I wasn't ready for marriage and I let him push me into it, knowing I still had feelings for Harm. Accepting a ring from him when I did was a big mistake and because of it too many people I know ended up getting hurt."

"In matters of the heart there are never any guarantees, Colonel. You and I are both living proof of that, but I was a betting man, I would play the odds for you and the Commander."

"I'm flattered by your vote of confidence, sir. Honestly, I don't know whether Harm and I have a future together, but, if we do, I don't want to screw it up by rushing in until I've had a chance clear my head. Harm deserves better than that, and quite frankly, so do I."

"Yes you do, Sarah, and I'm very glad to see that you recognize this," said the Admiral.

The music ended and Chegwidden escorted her back to the table. A moment later, Harm joined her. She reached under the table for his hand.

"I was talking with the General and his wife," he said.

"I'm surprised you didn't stay on the dance floor with Francesca," she teased. "You always did like the Italian…"

"Mac," he replied, a tone of friendly warning in his voice.

"Relax, flyboy, I'm teasing you," she offered.

"All she wanted to talk about was you and I," Rabb said. "Speaking of that, you had quite a conversation with the Admiral. Is that why my ears were burning?"

"I promise to tell you everything," she said, in a serious tone. "But not here, okay."

"Sure, Mac," he replied. "Sounds interesting."

When the music started again they both stood as if reading each other's thoughts. The New Year was less than ten minutes away and she wanted to be on the dance floor with him when the stroke of midnight came.

...

As the band leader counted down the seconds to the New Year, Harm took Sarah into his arms, and she reciprocated by sliding her own arms around his neck. At midnight, surrounded by their friends, their eyes closed and the world slipped away as their lips came together in a gentle yet lingering kiss which soon took on a life of its own.

With years of unexpressed passion between them, the kiss deepened, their mouths parted and their tongues danced for the first time.

Mac found that she had lost track of time, something that had only happened to her during and after the act of making love. A kiss, no matter how passionate had never been enough, until now. She realized that she had no idea how long it had been since they joined lips. Suddenly uncomfortable, she began to pull back enough to make eye contact with Harm. The encounter had left her breathless. A few seconds later, her internal time sense told her how long the kiss had lasted; shorter than she had thought, but much longer than she normally would have allowed.

_Wow!_

...

Harm felt her beginning to pull away and he loosened his embrace, expecting her to bolt for the nearest exit. When she stayed in his arms, he allowed himself to relax a little.

"Mac…I…wow…" was all he could manage.

"Yeah…wow," she replied.

He felt her suddenly go weak in the knees and he scrambled to keep her on her feet.

"Mac, are you all right?"

Still supporting her, he saw her nod and she regained her footing. "I think so," she said. "Just give me a minute."

As the strains of _Auld Lang Syne_ filled the room, she seemed to recover and the couple swayed to the music.

...

As the evening drew to a close, and Mac and Harriet excused themselves to use the powder room, Admiral Chegwidden stepped up beside him.

"Evening, Commander. Walk with me, if you would."

Harm assumed the Admiral wished to see him privately so he fell in step behind his former CO. They found a quiet corner on the far end of the room.

"Do you remember the conversation we had about a year ago?" asked the Admiral.

"I do, sir," he replied. "I have to admit, it took me a little by surprise."

"Well, I've always made it a habit to stay out of other people's lives, but I'm glad to see you taking my words to heart."

"Mac, told you…"

"She didn't have to, Harm. I do have eyes."

"Admiral, sometimes things can be more complicated than they seem."

"Yes, and sometimes we make them more complicated than they need to be," Chegwidden countered. He leaned over to Harm in confidence, "A little advice from your former CO, don't let her get away this time."

With that, Chegwidden turned and walked back towards his table. Harm was still in a state of reflection when Sarah appeared at his side.

"You about ready to leave, flyboy?" she asked.

"Are you?"

"Yeah, it's getting late, and we are supposed to be at the Roberts by noon."

Harm offered his arm and they strode back to the table where their friends had gathered. While Sarah extended their farewells, Harm retrieved her wrap and his cover. They walked to his SUV in a comfortable silence.

...

On the way back to her place, Sarah told him about her conversation with Chegwidden including the fact that he already knew they had feelings for each other. When he didn't act surprised she asked, "You were aware that he knew?"

"Admiral Chegwidden knew about everything that went on in that office, Mac. The only reason he didn't call us out on it is, for the most part, we didn't let things get in the way of our work."

"Do you think he told the General?" she asked.

"In his shoes, I would have. So would you."

"I guess planting a lip lock on you tonight wasn't a very good idea."

"I'm not complaining."

They didn't say much after that, but he didn't resist when she reached for his hand. When she tightened her grip, he returned the gesture with one of his own. She decided not to push a conversation about the kiss they had shared, at least for now. He was probably just as confused as she was.

When they arrived at her apartment, she asked, "Did you bring clothes for tomorrow?"

"Yeah, they're in the back," he replied. Mac had insisted that he pack an overnight bag in case they returned late. It was past 02:30 and she didn't want him on the roads alone, especially on New Year's Eve.

Rabb grabbed his bag out of the back and they made their way up to her apartment. Once inside, she said, "I'm going to get comfortable. Would you mind putting on some water for tea?"

"Sure, Mac."

While he busied himself him her kitchen, Mac went into the bedroom to change. After she had donned her pajamas, she carefully placed the string of pearls, which Harm had given her, back in the box. Still unsure about whether she was entitled to keep them, she left the box on top of her dresser.

Mac knew she was going to have to put some space between them tonight or they, more to the point, she was going to start something she wasn't ready for. When she returned to the kitchen, she noticed he had removed all but his pants and seeing his well sculpted chest was sending her libido into overdrive.

_Get a grip, MacKenzie,_ she chastised herself.

Finally noticing he had already poured her a cup of tea she sat next to him and savored the mint tasted beverage hoping its small pleasure would distract her.

"Aren't you having any?" she asked.

"No, thanks," he said, suppressing a yawn.

"You're tired," she added. "Why don't you go on in to bed, I'll be there in a little bit."

"Without kissing you goodnight?" he asked, teasing her with his flyboy smile.

She put her cup down and turned to embrace him, meeting his lips with her own. This time, she was careful not to lose herself and ended it before things got too carried away.

"Thanks for a wonderful evening, Harm, Happy New Year. I…I…care." _I love you, flyboy,_ she finished in her head.

"Happy New Year, Sarah, I care for you too, more than you know," he said. "See you in my dreams."

With that he stood and walked into the bedroom. His words left her wanting to follow and tackle him to the floor so she could have her way with him. She bit her lower lip to quench the feelings of love or lust, she wasn't sure which. _Damn him for doing this to me._

She stayed in the living room and slowly finished her cup of tea, hoping her pulse rate would soon return to normal all while trying, mostly in vain to reel in her thoughts. When she was sure enough time had passed for him to fall asleep, she returned her teacup to the kitchen and made her way to the bedroom.

Sarah could have just slept on the couch, but she knew he would be upset with her for giving up her bed. She also found that she slept better when he was nearby and the recurring nightmares she had been suffering from seem to be held at bay

From his steady breathing, Mac was sure he had succumbed to slumber and she climbed into bed and snuggled close wrapping one arm around his middle. He mumbled something, and for a brief moment she thought he might still be awake. She soon realized he was dreaming. _"See you in my dreams,_ he had said to her. _I wonder if he is dreaming about me._

Struggling with an onslaught of emotions, Sarah concentrated on the things about him which made her feel safe and loved. With her physical needs held tightly in check, she drifted off into a deep sleep savoring the emotional intimacy of his nearness.

...

_Harm walked down the, what seemed to be, endless sands of the private beach. To his left, the waves of the Pacific Ocean gently rolled along as the tide came in. Off to his right, a high bluff overlooked the shoreline. Perched on one of the bluffs with a long stairway leading to it was a large contemporary style home. A bikini clad brunette stood on the second floor balcony leaning on the railing appearing to be looking over the water. He smiled knowing it was Mac who was standing out there in the shade of the morning sun, having just walked out of their bedroom. Their bedroom, he thought, not quite knowing how or when this happened. But somehow he knew that this was their home and she was his wife._

_Another figure was approaching from the opposite direction and Harm found himself being drawn towards this person. As they continued to close the distance between them, Harm noticed that the man wore a flight suit which seemed to be dated._

_His heart started to pound in double time as he recognized the face of the man he hadn't seen since 1969. It couldn't be, could it?_

_"Dad," he cried out in disbelief._

_"Hello, son," the man replied as the two of them embraced. Although he looked a bit older than the last time Harm had seen him, he began to question his eyes._

_"You haven't changed. How is this possible?"_

_"And you've grown up, joined the Navy, became an aviator, and a lawyer. I'm very proud of you."_

_"Come on up to the house, Dad, you've got to meet Sarah."_

_He turned to look up at the house but it was gone, along with the woman he dearly loved. Closing and opening his eyes again, he realized that they were standing in front of the wall._

_"What happened? Where's Sarah?"_

_"She was never really here; well, at least not yet. What you saw, Harm, is one possible future. Whether or not it comes to pass will depend on the decisions you make in the next few months."_

_"What do I have to do? I love her, but…"_

_"But what, son?"_

_"Dad, she's been through hell this year but right now, things are complicated between us. Sometimes I look at her and I know exactly what she is thinking and sometimes, she's a complete mystery."_

_The elder Rabb chuckled, much as Harm remembered him doing all those years ago. "That's been a problem with men and women long before you were born, son. As well as you know her, there is always going to be things about her you will never understand. Any man who has ever loved a woman will tell you this."_

_"Ever since I told her I wanted to be part of her life, she's become more of a mystery."_

_"Don't give up on her, Harm," his father said knowingly. "Sarah needs your support more than she ever has."_

_Harm placed his hand against the wall, tracing his father's name. He was shocked to feel substance under his hands. "I know you couldn't make it this year," his father said._

_"Dad, I'm sorry I wasn't here for Christmas Eve, but Sarah was in an automobile accident and…"_

_"Don't apologize, son, you did right by staying with her," the elder Rabb paused before adding, "She loves you too, did you know that?"_

_Harm remembered her staying with him in Russia, putting off her wedding plans when he went down in the Atlantic, saving his life in the mine field, and quite recently, the plea she made to the family court when he was petitioning for custody of Mattie last year. "I've considered the kind of man who I would choose to father my children; Commander Rabb is that kind of a man." Mac had been dating Webb when she had made that statement but he knew that her words had been from the heart. Just thinking about them could still bring him to tears._

_"Yeah, Dad, I know she does."_

_"It's time for me to go, Give my love to your mother, Harm, and tell her I understand. I'm very happy she found someone and didn't spend the rest of her life alone. Tell your brother, Sergei, I'm sorry I never had a chance to meet him. I love you very much, son, and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." He looked like he was finished but he had one more request, "Tell Sarah, I'll be very proud to have her as my daughter in law."_

_"Dad, I…"_

_"You know when to tell her," he replied, anticipating the question. "Take care of yourself"_

_"No Dad, wait…Dad!"_

"Dad!"

"Harm?" came a woman's voice from the edges of his perception. He felt someone jostling him from the realm of sleep into the waking world. He opened his eyes to see a very anxious Sarah MacKenzie leaning over him.

"Sarah?"

"Harm, are you okay? You were yelling in your sleep."

Rabb sat up in the bed and realized where he was. Beside him, Mac was rubbing his shoulder in an effort to calm his fears.

"Sorry, Mac, it was just a dream," he said, trying to make light of it.

"I heard you call for your father. Do you want to talk about it?"

Harm was reluctant at first as much of the dream was intensely personal, but in his heart, he knew he needed to be open with her. Steeling himself, he told her about all the events and visions he had seen in his dream, excluding the house on the beach and that fact that they were married, at least in part of his dream.

"You probably think I'm crazy," he finished.

"Why would I think you're crazy," she asked. "You're alive today because of a premonition. You know I'm open to this."

"It seemed so real, Sarah. When I reached out to touch the wall, I could feel the indentations of his name."

"He had a lot of insight to offer about us," she mentioned. Harm had left out the loving each other part so as not to make her uncomfortable, substituting caring in its place, but he somehow knew that Sarah had seen right through this.

"He's right, you know," she added. "I do need you, more than I can tell you. Harm, we've been dancing around this thing between us for years. I tried once to tell you, before you left to join the fleet, but I couldn't find the words then, and all these years later, I still can't. Words like dating, seeing each other, boyfriend and girlfriend, just seem to fall short of how I feel. I don't want to cheapen what we have with a label."

"Sarah, I…"

"Let me finish," she said. "There's more."

For once, Harm just listened and let her pour out her heart, hanging on every word she said.

"I sent you in here ahead of me for a reason," she said. "After that kiss we shared tonight I didn't think I would be able to control myself."

"Are you saying that you wanted to…"

"Yeah," she said, knowing exactly where he was leading. "My reluctance to be with you has nothing to do with my desire."

"What is it, Mac?" he asked. "You can tell me."

"I haven't told this to anyone, except for Vicky. This is going to be as hard for you to hear as it is for me to say and I'm only going to tell you because I think you have the right to know. When I'm done telling you what I have to, you'll probably never speak to me again."

"Mac, there is nothing you could tell me that would ever make that happen. You have my word on that."

"You might want to reconsider that once you hear what I have to say," she countered, before taking a deep breath and beginning. "The one thing that has always defined my relationship with the men in my life has been the physical aspects of the relationship. Chris, John, Dalton, Mic, Clay, I was intimate with each and every one of them before I ever told them I loved them. With John and Dalton, I never said it. I suppose I could duck responsibility and blame it on my mother for leaving me with a drunken abusive father, who's only concern after she left was where he was going to get his next drink."

"Mac, I'm not a psychiatrist, but I do know that a woman's relationship with her father often sets the tone for her relationships with men…"

"I know, Harm," she interjected, tersely. "Vicky said the same thing. Please, just let me get through this. Okay?"

He nodded his head and she went on, "After I killed Sadik, my relationship with Webb turned very dark. I started using him to satisfy a physical need which had nothing to do with love and Clay's behavior only made things worse. He was drinking pretty heavy himself and, more than once, I almost fell off the wagon because of my frustration with him, with myself, and to some extent with you. Please don't take this wrong, it's not your fault. Getting involved with Clay really screwed me up and it's going to take some time for me to fix this. Between what I just told you, and finding out I may never be able to have children, I feel like damaged goods, and I'm disgusted with my behavior."

Harm was holding her gently by the shoulders. In a show of support he wiped away her tears and reached for her hands taking them into his own.

Seemingly encouraged, Mac continued, "The relationship you and I share is the only one I have ever had with a man which has been built on something other than sexual wants and needs. It's special beyond words and maybe that explains why it has lasted for so long. I've never known any other man who I could invite into my bed knowing that he would not try to take advantage of me. You don't realize how highly that speaks of you, Harm, and how much that makes me feel like I don't deserve to be with you."

Hearing all she was sharing, Harm found himself wondering if seeing his father had been a dream after all. _How did he know?_

"This is one reason I didn't take you up on the offer you made last weekend. I tried to laugh it off but you deserve a better answer than that."

"Is this why you told me you couldn't go through with our deal the night of the Admiral's party?"

"Mostly, although I was still trying to deal with Clay's _death_, it still pisses me off that he used me like that," she said. "Like I told you, I want to be with you, but I'm not going to allow myself to poison what we have by getting physical for the wrong reason. I care far too much for you to allow that to happen."

Harm rewarded her with his classic megawatt flyboy smile. "Sarah, nothing you said tonight changes the way I feel about you," he said. "The important thing is we still have a chance to make this right. I told you on Christmas Eve, that I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere, Sarah, I mean that."

Without words, they slid back under the covers and she found her favorite spot with her head snuggled into his shoulder.

"Happy New Year, Harm," she said. "I'm glad you're here with me."

"Happy New Year, Sarah," he replied. "Sweet dreams."

Harm remained awake contemplating everything she had shared with him finding in himself a new determination to put her fears to rest. As he drifted off to dream, the words and music of a song he had not heard since before his Dad went missing began to flood his mind.

_You ask me if they'll come a time, when I grow tired of you, never my love, never my love._

He knew these words epitomized the feelings he had for the woman sleeping in his arms.

END


End file.
